Seventeen days ago I got really fucking high. I don't remember a lot of it, to be honest, but I do remember lying on my couch thinking, "Man, I really should go to bed, but I'm too high to move." I did eventually get to bed, but ironically this was a wake up call for me.

I smoked too goddamn much.

My relationship to weed was not what I wanted it to be.

My relationship to myself and my emotions was not what I wanted it to be.

I was in an intensive mental health program called a PHP (partial hospitalization program) for some mental health struggles that had become mountains in my life. I brought up my struggles the next day in group and the group leader, who has been very open with us about his own struggles with addiction, asked me, "Could you stop if you wanted to?" I answered honestly, "I don't know." And he said, "I think the fact that you didn't immediately say no is a big answer for you."

I considered it and decided he was right. So I tried to stop. And I've been successful so far, sixteen days sober from weed. It's been a struggle, and I have been filling some of the cravings with alcohol instead which is NOT recommended and not good for me to be doing. But I haven't touched weed in over two weeks and for that much I am proud of myself.

I intend to stay sober from weed for at least as long as the substance program I'm working through now. I feel like I'm having an easier time of it than a lot of people in the program, and I can only hope I can inspire them. For my part, I have every intention of coming back to weed eventually, but as more of a spiritual experience and less of an everyday-all-the-time, not-truly-feeling-my-emotions experience.

I still advocate weed for those who can use it responsibly. I know my mother gets a lot of benefit from it for her fibromyalgia for example, and I know it can help some mental health struggles as well. I don't think it's an evil or a terrible thing and I would never judge another stoner for using it. I just need a break, if not a total cessation, and that's just my own path.

See you on the flip side. ✌️

Note: This post was written and intended to be published two months ago. I now have 61 days of no weed under my belt. It's been up and down. I have a youtube channel about my recovery now. I love you. You can do anything you want forever.